Oh, yes I am...

Well, the jury is in— I’m worth it. Could there be any mistake about it? Over four years of exhaustive research has gone into the theory and no longer can there be the slightest chance that they’ve made a mistake— I’m definitely worthy of a reward.

With that in mind, why shouldn’t I treat myself to something I’ve had my eye on? A recently completed study reveals that I’m worth the creamy goodness of a gallon of Häagen-Dazs macadamia brittle, the luxury of SleepComfortCoils, Givenchy and, it goes without saying, an automobile with the quality engineering of Mercedes-Benz, fine china capable of saying to the world, ‘You’ve made it, boy’, and the understated elegance of Rollex.

Haven’t I earned the right to spoil myself occasionally with a new 72-inch flat screen plasma HD Sony and the decadence of SurroundSound Harmon-Kardon stereo equipment? A myriad of magazine ads and television commercials assure me that I am… not to mention corporate executives of no less than the illustrious Hilton Hotel chain.

No, there can be no doubt, really. I’m capable of distinguishing between a quality chronometer from a run-of-the-mill timepiece, I can sense a kidskin glove manufacturer’s commitment to me, and entire departments of Madison Avenue marketing experts have deemed me the perfect focal point of advertising campaigns.

Therefore, having concluded that I deserve nothing less than the very best the world has to offer, I intend to invest every last dime of my non-discretionary income on the finer things in life.

That is, I will if I ever get a freakin’ job.