Is that you, Aunt Gussie?

The Thought For The Day:

The whole idea of civil war escapes me, frankly... doesn't being civil rather defeat the purpose?

Ah, yes, the calendar reminds me that it is once again August, the official start of the family reunion season. I've been informed by my significant other that we'll be hosting the Annual Church Family Reunion this year. Given the attendant circumstances with my health, I am scarcely capable of containing my glee. Oh, joy, thy eternal countenance fills me with blather only circumspectly containable.

The prospect of providing a venue for such an event is... well, it's terrifying, actually. If past experiences are a reliable indicator of future actions, it will be necessary for me to devise a battle plan capable of anticipating most anything, and carrying out a formatted scenario of plausible deniability.

Since I have to do it anyway, I thought I might as well share my list of necessities for such a gathering. That way, if any of you are faced with the same task, you can't write and say, 'Bubba, why didn't you warn me?'. Consider this my contribution to the betterment of family relations throughout the country.

Tips For Organizing Your Family Reunion

• Start early. There is no substitute for good planning. It's been my experience that about 30 years is sufficient.
  


• Go shopping downtown and pick up a few books, CD-ROM's, planning guides or practically anything that will put off actually starting on your task. The whole process sucks, actually. Changing the date of the reunion at the last minute is acceptable only if the channel cat's are really, really biting well down at Jones' Pond or if you haven't seen that particular edition of Seinfeld. If you totally can't figure out how to work the VCR (and how many of us can actually say we can?), have the wife call everyone... folks tend to get a little surly when they've scheduled their vacation around the reunion and spent a couple of grand on non-refundable airfare.

• There's really no point in giving out a fake address, especially if you live in a town of under 10,000 population... all it'll do is give them the opportunity to build up a good snit and a healthy buzz before they show up inclined to want to fight.
  


• If you know more than one family is coming in from out of town, be sure to book some rooms at hotels nowhere close to each other.
  


• Prepare a list of "Family Scandals We Just Don't Talk About" and send a copy to everyone who'll be attending. Also, laminate a hundred copies of the list and post them in conspicuous places throughout the reunion area.
  


• If possible, try to schedule the event at a local lake. This way, accidental drownings will take on an air of legitimacy.
  


• If family members wish to bring fiances or 'special friends' of other ethnicities or sexual preference, be considerate of their wishes. Then, lose their invitations on the way to the mail box. Trust me when I tell you that you're doing them a favor.
  


• Ask every family attending to contribute $50 to help defray the costs of the extras such as fireworks, ammunition, bail bondsmen, etc. Once everyone's money has been collected, take it down to the track and bet it on a horse you think has a chance of winning or use it for a couple of lap dances at Horny Hooters. You're entitled to one last celebration before you lose everything.
  


• It would probably be best to have some food available as well as beer.
  

Getting yourself arrested should only be considered as a last-ditch effort to avoid attending. Remember, the wife knows when you're asleep and has access to the key to your gun cabinet.

Well, that's all I can think of at the moment. Good luck with it... remember, one reunion properly planned will keep you from ever having to do it again.