"Yes, Dear, I'll be right there..."

I’m not a trained sociologist nor have I ever played one on TV, however, my experiences as a married man probably should be published because of their intrinsic value to roughly half of the world’s population. For example, I’ve observed that the average American man, over a period of roughly the last thirty years, has had increasing trouble relating to his wife, given her insistence upon garbage being stacked neatly in the garage, reliance upon her yoga instructor’s help during times of marital stress, and reluctance in accepting my semi-weekly requests for sex.

Spouses repeated verbal requests (also known as ‘nagging’) for some frivolous action by the husband, especially during the fourth quarter of a Broncos game or the last fifteen minutes of John in Cincinnati can aggravate husbands to the point where they retreat to the basement or garage or office for three or four hours of silence, ultimately causing him to mutter unkind insults under his breath such as ‘castrating hag’ and ‘ball-buster crone’, all the while hoping that the heating duct doesn’t transmit sound efficiently. It does.

At some point, her laugh can begin to annoy, especially if she’s talking on the phone to her sister. After many years, a husband’s patience (though severely tested) morphs into an acceptance of sorts, though the conscious act of overlooking it can lead to the extra glass of scotch after dinner accompanied by several hours spent in the Barcalounger®, resulting in yet more lack of acceptance/understanding by a marital partner.

While I’m on the subject, her insistence that a husband get dressed before walking to the curb for the morning paper (as if the neighbors really give a damn at 7 a.m.) or the occasional piss over the railing of the back deck only serves to widen the rift in communications, resulting in delayed or non-expressed intimacy, reduction in the ‘cuddle factor’ and cognitive dissonance in the American male.

I’ve also learned that the ‘duct tape cure’ doesn’t work, long-term. Most spouses, once the tape is ripped off, tend to misunderstand the husband’s attempts at corrective action and respond with a concerted vehemence unparalleled in personal marital experience.
On second thought, I now doubt the need for publication. Anyone who could benefit from it is probably too far gone to help. Well, gotta go… time for my morning dose of Seconal.