I’m officially boycotting the game Rock-Paper-Scissors, for reasons that should be obvious to every thinking person. Literally, for the past fifty years (with a forty year pause for adulthood) I have played the game with friends, and thoroughly enjoyed both the temporary ego stroke gained from out-thinking and out-guessing one’s friends and the opportunity to slug the defeated opponent on the shoulder a pre-determined number of times. I even enjoyed the fights that often ensued after the opponent slugged me back, only on the mouth instead of the arm.
However, a closer examination of the game and its rules has brought to light a subtle although very important point—one of the basic assumptions made when playing the game is totally ludicrous. Everyone knows that Rock Breaks Scissors and Scissors Cut Paper; these assumptions are valid to the most discriminating observer. It is the third member of the triad that gives me pause: Paper Wraps Rock.
When Rock Breaks Scissors the poor scissors is severely injured and when Scissors Cut Paper the unfortunate paper is forever altered and possibly misshapen, but Paper Wraps Rock? What horrible fate befalls the ill-fated Rock? Being “wrapped”? Oh, boo hoo…
Do you see my point? You can’t simply wrap a rock and claim victory! There is no penalty for the rock or any physical discomfort whatsoever, unless you assume (and I think it’s a pretty far-fetched assumption) that the rock suffers from claustrophobia.
So, unless you’re a psychology graduate student studying the neuroses of inanimate objects and their contributions to pre-adolescent behavior, I might suggest that you join me in boycotting Rock-Paper-Scissors before someone decides to make it an Olympic event. If you don't, I can't be held responsible for the decline and fall of our civilization. It's up to you...
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