I had a very strange dream last night. I dreamed that I was married and living on a farm and my wife and I were so happy that we could barely keep from smiling even in the face of tragedy. And it was a good thing, too, because during our evening walk, my wife was attacked and mauled by a savage pack of wolves. (Yes, I realize that it's a little far-fetched, but it was a dream... work with me here, will you?) As I held her close to me and her life poured out onto the earth, I’ll never forget her last words, “Darling, I shall wait for you in Heaven”.
Well… time passes slowly when you’ve experienced such a loss, but a few months later I met a wonderful young girl about half my age and we were married. The years flew like days and one day I made the unwise choice of trying to harvest my wheat crop while gorked on tequila. I slipped off the back of my combine and got caught in the thresher… it wasn’t pretty, but as my life ebbed, I looked up into the eyes of my faithful wife and told her, “Honey, I’ll be waiting for you in Heaven”.
As it turned out, I wouldn’t have too long to wait. Actually, it was something less than a minute since this was a dream and occurring very rapidly inside my head, but that’s beside the point and adds nothing to the story. Be that as it may, she, too, succumbed to a terrible accident. As she mucked the stalls, she was butted by a cow and fell face first into a large pile of manure, the stench of which invaded her nostrils and suffocated her.
There we were in Heaven, both my wives and I. Needless to say, I had some explaining to do, but eventually my first wife forgave me and accepted my second wife, but it wasn’t the sort of relationship I’d hoped for. After a period of time (it’s pretty tough to measure time in heaven, every day is pretty much like the last) I worked up the courage to ask them for a threesome.
Well… suffice to say that apparently God is less than accepting of shenanigans up in Heaven, because I’d no more than voiced my request than I found myself instantaneously transported into an ugly, muggy, humid, hot landscape filled with grotesque people getting stuck by hot pokers and taunted by hideous, impish beasts. I think I was in Hell, although I admit that I could have been inside a nightclub in downtown Miami.
I guess the moral of the story might be ‘Watch what you wish for’— either that or, 'Watch what you eat right before you go to bed... you might want to avoid the three-alarm-chili'. Morals are hard to interpret at four A.M... when you're hung over.
Well… time passes slowly when you’ve experienced such a loss, but a few months later I met a wonderful young girl about half my age and we were married. The years flew like days and one day I made the unwise choice of trying to harvest my wheat crop while gorked on tequila. I slipped off the back of my combine and got caught in the thresher… it wasn’t pretty, but as my life ebbed, I looked up into the eyes of my faithful wife and told her, “Honey, I’ll be waiting for you in Heaven”.
As it turned out, I wouldn’t have too long to wait. Actually, it was something less than a minute since this was a dream and occurring very rapidly inside my head, but that’s beside the point and adds nothing to the story. Be that as it may, she, too, succumbed to a terrible accident. As she mucked the stalls, she was butted by a cow and fell face first into a large pile of manure, the stench of which invaded her nostrils and suffocated her.
There we were in Heaven, both my wives and I. Needless to say, I had some explaining to do, but eventually my first wife forgave me and accepted my second wife, but it wasn’t the sort of relationship I’d hoped for. After a period of time (it’s pretty tough to measure time in heaven, every day is pretty much like the last) I worked up the courage to ask them for a threesome.
Well… suffice to say that apparently God is less than accepting of shenanigans up in Heaven, because I’d no more than voiced my request than I found myself instantaneously transported into an ugly, muggy, humid, hot landscape filled with grotesque people getting stuck by hot pokers and taunted by hideous, impish beasts. I think I was in Hell, although I admit that I could have been inside a nightclub in downtown Miami.
I guess the moral of the story might be ‘Watch what you wish for’— either that or, 'Watch what you eat right before you go to bed... you might want to avoid the three-alarm-chili'. Morals are hard to interpret at four A.M... when you're hung over.
2 comments:
LOL. One of your better posts. I love the graphic, too. BTW, did you tell your wife in real life about this dream? I hope she whacked you one upside the head. Just kidding...I think.
Are you kidding? She knew about it at four a.m. when I tried to steal the covers and hold them for ransom! While I'm sure that some might have the opinion that life in my presence is challenging, I assure you that she's convinced that she's a very lucky woman... and I wouldn't appreciate anyone's attempts to convince her otherwise.
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