Saturday, June 28, 2008

"Oh, alright then... but just this once"

Feeling pretty secure about your life? Is everything swimming along at a constant pace? Trust me when I tell you, you're the exception to the rule.

Anyone who has read more than one of my rants knows that I live an existence filled with constant amazement regarding my specie's refusal to die out despite exhaustive evidence that extinction should be the consequence. I'm convinced that sheer numbers alone ensures our survival-- 'cuz it damn sure has nothing to do with intelligence.

Dateline Switzerland:

A Swiss man died when he fell from a hotel balcony during a spitting match with a friend, a Swiss newspaper has reported.

The daily Blick said the 29-year-old man took a run-up from inside the room so he could spit further, but lost his balance and plummeted 6.4m to the street below.

He died in hospital.

The man had suggested the contest when he and two friends returned from a disco to their hotel in Cadempino in Switzerland's Italian-speaking Ticino canton in the early hours.

One of the men went to sleep, but the two others decided to see who could spit furthest from the balcony of their room.

Dateline London:

A Polish building contractor working at London's Great Ormond Street Children's Hospital was given his marching orders after a security guard caught him having sex with a Hoover vacuum cleaner, the Sun reports.

The Hoover's unnamed assailant was supposed to be locking up the site, at hospital administrative offices, but was instead discovered in the staff canteen "naked and on his knees with the smiling vacuum cleaner".

The "horrified" guard told the chap to "clean himself and the Hoover", then ejected him from the premises. The unnamed vacuum-molestor later told his bosses he was actually cleaning his underwear, describing this habit as "a common practice in Poland".

His employer, HG Construction, was having none of it. The company said: "That behavior is not acceptable, though it gave a few people a laugh."

Imagine that... The Hoover declined comment, although a follow-up test revealed no discernible performance anxiety.

Dateline Germany:

One man's extraordinary effort to eradicate a mole from his property resulted in a victory for the mole. The metal rods he pounded into the ground and connected to a high-voltage power line, electrified the very ground the man stood upon. He was found extremely dead at his holiday property on the Baltic Sea. Police had to trip the main circuit breaker before venturing onto the property.

And finally, one from a little closer to home.

Dateline Texas: (The 2007 Darwin Award winner for improving the human genome by accidentally removing themselves from it.)

Michael was an alcoholic. And not an ordinary alcoholic, but an alcoholic who liked to take his liquor... well, rectally.

His wife said he was "addicted to enemas" and often used alcohol in this manner. The result was the same: inebriation. And tonight, Michael was in for one hell of a party. Three 1.5 litre bottles of sherry, more than 100 fluid ounces, right up the old address!

When the rest of us have had enough, we either stop drinking or pass out. When Michael had had enough (and subsequently passed out) the alcohol remaining in his rectal cavity continued to be absorbed. The next morning, Michael was dead.

The 58-year-old did a pretty good job of embalming himself. Toxicology reports measured his blood alcohol level as 0.47%.

(In order to qualify for a Darwin Award, a person must remove himself from the gene pool via an "astounding misapplication of judgment." Three litres of sherry up the butt can only be described as astounding. Unsurprisingly, his neighbors said they were surprised to learn of the incident.)

Anecdotal, you say? Maybe... but the next time you see some guy hooking up the ends of battery cables to his nipple piercings, just remember... dead is forever.


Lee's River said...

neighbors are always surprised. Which is the most surprising of all, if you stop to think about it.

As for the Swiss spitters, I say the guy who killed himself wins - he really let it fly as far as it would go, didn't he? He sure did.

I'll pass on the Polish customs - news to me and probably to the Poles I've known and loved, too. (if not, I'll be very surprised)

(How's the mole doing? Do they say? )

paisley said...

holy christ.. where do they come from... well i am proud to say at least not all of these idiots were born on american soil......

amuirin said...


It's so weird to be entertained by and laughing at something that ended with fatality.

I wonder how much afterlife credit these laughs cost me.

Scot said...

Only in America--but not always :)

Anonymous said...

Okay, I have here at least one family member who is cheering for the mole's survival. Do we have any word on the mole?

kaylee said...

Dead is not always forever
sometimes you are only
mostly dead,
and that hurts.
This is not to be confused
with dead on.
but then you knew that
did you not?

Sometimes you just have to die.
and other times mostly not.

or not

kay lee

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