The Thought For The Day (Part 1)

Someone asked for some of my past The Thought For The Day. Your wish is my command (up to a point):

The fairness of destiny isn't ours to judge, but if you feed hot sauce to a Rottweiler, you deserve everything you get.
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Everyone tells me that I have my grandfather's hands. So what? Grandpa's dead -- it's not like he needs them anymore, and sitting there on the fireplace mantle, they tend to dress up the room.
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I sent away for a mail-order course that made me a minister. I haven't married any people yet, but I did practice on some pigeons in the park. Now God's gonna kill me for sure...
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My mouth is dry, I can't feel my tongue, I've got blurred vision, my hands and legs are numb, I just peed my pants and now I'm seeing lightning bolts coming out of the buttons on my shirt... no wonder Mama warned me not to drink furniture polish.
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Whenever my teenage daughter comes down the stairs dressed like a tramp for her date, I think to myself, 'Damn... why won't her mother wear something like that?'
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If you want to save money on candy this Halloween, do what I do: Save your dirty Q-Tips throughout the year and tell the kids they're "Caramel Sticks." Hey, kids don't know any better...
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There are two sure-fire ways to get a woman into bed. The problem is, I don't know either of them.
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Life is just one long Yoko Ono album... no rhyme, no reason-- just a lot of incoherent shrieks and then it's over.
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The problem with Americans is, we're just not consistent... if we were, eleven would be "one-ty-one".
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I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once... the seat folded up, spilled our drinks, and that ICE -- well, it really chilled her mood.
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If there's one thing I've learned, it's best to never ask a woman if she's pregnant. But if you decide to risk it, for God's sake never follow it up with, "Are you sure?"
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I was taken aback when the waitress brought me a plate of tobacco leaves covered in whiskey, but I guess since I was at a sports bar, I should have known better than to order the Ty Cobb salad.
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Since I can't afford to drive a bright yellow Hummer, I'm going to put a big flashing sign on my car that says,"I'm in serious need of some attention!"
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I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. (Groucho Marx)

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"Bubba bought me a mood ring the other day. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin' red mark in the middle of his forehead." (Mrs. Bubba)

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If the IRS wanted to put something really useful on their website, how about a list of countries that don't have an extradition treaty with the U.S.?

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I fully support the legalization of marijuana. It's a natural substance, not unlike cyanide... and it has a similar effect on man's ability to compete with me for jobs and women.

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