Allacksusmohio

One of my writer friends (who shall remain nameless lest I incur her wrath for insulting her native state with impunity) lives at the merging of three major rivers, all of which have received Native American names, specifically, the Monongahela, the Allegheny and the Ohio. Now, I’m neither geographer nor historian, but I think the early settlers of the area missed a hell of a chance when they didn’t re-channel the flow of the Susquehanna and Lackawanna Rivers as well, forming a five-river confluence instead of the much more pedestrian three.

Had they the foresight and perspicacity to do so, instead of the perfectly adequate but decidedly Anglo ‘Pittsburgh’, they might have created Allacksusmohio, a tribute to both the land and the progenitors thereof. Now, I’m sure Fort Pitt was a fine military installation deserving of recognition for its accomplishments in the realm of defending the countryside against foreign invaders, but does that deem it worthy of having a great city named for it? Had others followed the same protocol, Lawton, Oklahoma may have become Silltown, Oceanside, California might be Pendletonville, and El Paso, Texas could be Blisstown. All wonderful places, I’m sure, I mean no disrespect, but you have to admit the names hold less by way of excitement.

Allacksusmohio… now there’s a name with some panache! Can you imagine some of the conversations? “Hi, Mom… guess what? Alex has been transferred to Allack—Allacksus—Allsusmo—that big city in western Pennsylvania where all the rivers come together!” or “Hey, Chad, are you going to go to the game this weekend down at Five Rivers Stadium? Denver is playing Alla—Allack—Allaquamista—oh, hell, the Steelers.”

The Allacksusmohio Steelers… the Allacksusmohio Pirates… the Allacksusmohio Penguins… just sorta roll right off your lips, don’t they?

Well, I’ll end this now… I need to write a letter to the Governor, asking him to sponsor a bill in the Pennsylvania legislature re-naming Pittsburgh, Allacksusmohio. Of course, then there’ll be the task of getting the money together to re-direct the river flow to legitimize the name change.
If you’d like to see some beautiful photos of the area, visit my friend’s blog. She’s a great poet and an even better photographer, even is she does live in a city with a name that’s not all it could be. I like her work so much I linked her to my blog, an act that she feared may be considered 'dirty', and I'm loathe to dispel her fears lest she think me unworthy of my reputation as the dirtiest old man in Randolph County.

I give you: http://jojanoski.wordpress.com/