Thy X Commandments for Everyday Life

by Geoffrey Chaucer

I. Thou shalt exalt in the presence of thy chosen handmaiden, and having done so, thou shalt not tarry, lest thou should be held bound by thy betrothed, rendering sundry welts upon thy countenance before seeking the counsel of barristers.

II. Thou shalt find pleasure in partaking of the fruit of the grape, and the malt and barley of the fields, and all libations which froth, even when chilled, except to the excess which doth arouse the ire of thy betrothed, lest thou shalt be grandly scorned and subjected to much misery.

III. Thou shalt be wary of the house of thy betrothed, not setting thyself in the presence of her glory during periods of cleaning, nor periods of unchosen words streaming from her lips, nor any periods which would put thee in path of flighted artifacts flung forthwith from her displeasure.

IV. Thou shalt take caution when gaining company of thy friends, thy acquaintances, and thy wagermonger, unless thy betrothed has not knowledge of thy activities.

V. Thou shalt not refer to thy betrothed, bespeaking condemnation of her cuisine, saying that her fare is not worthy of consumption by swine, lest thou shalt gain residence among their number.

VI. In the event that thy betrothed should look appealing to thee after a fortnight of revelry, thou shalt not break wind and force the bedsheets over her head, expecting her to share thy laughter.

VII. Thou shalt not remind thy betrothed that she is gaining voluptuous proportion, unless thy desire for the mysteries of the after-life beckons you, and then only if thou art prepared to suffer mightily before shuffling off this mortal coil.

VIII. Thou shalt, after encountering the wrath of thy spouse, accomplish all manner of penance necessary to maintain thy accustomed life position, at least while in her presence, groveling lowly and humiliatingly, beseeching her forgiveness and good graces.

IX. Should it come to pass that thy illicit nocturnal dalliances become aired before thy spouse, make thee not the mistake of returning home before the sun rises and sets twice; and then only to pick up thy clothing and golf clubs from the front lawn.

X. In the event that ye consider thyself of great courage and choose to ignore Numeral IX and return to thy abode while still possessing the aroma and lipstick smears of thy bawdygirl, cease all other ministrations of apology, calmly bend over and kiss thy ass goodbye.