Montana Dreaming

I woke up this morning in a rather inquisitive mood, a condition not totally foreign to me but, nevertheless, a digression from the norm. I gave due consideration to the headlines on The New York Times website, listened to CNN’s coverage of world news in the background, and perused various blogs for mind candy. My mind is never far from existing in a giant vacuum, but today disaster threatened—when it came to me.

If I could be a giant hunk of earth (and this would be highly desirable), I’d choose to be Montana.

Aside from the lakes, mountains and allotment of beautiful scenery, Montana is a minimalist’s dream. Montana claims the 4th largest land area in our country, and ranks 44th in population. If I were to realize my dream, I’d probably make it rough enough on the remaining population that I’d eventually rank 50th, but for the time being I’m willing to settle for 44th. Anywhere that grizzly bears, elk, wolves, coyotes, mule deer, buffalo and various species of trout outnumber humans a thousand to one is geography worth claiming.

A bit of research yielded a treasure trove of minutia in this regard, just the sort of ammunition no dedicated curmudgeon could resist. Did you know that the list of famous Montanans claims only sixteen entries? Five actors, two writers, one daredevil, one football player, one economist, one newscaster, one labor union official, one filmmaker, one choreographer, one comedian and the first woman ever elected to Congress. Further, eleven of the sixteen are deceased, and none presently call Montana home, a fact that makes it even more attractive. Thankfully, no Montana cities associate their existence with the fame of one of their native sons, unlike a certain Missouri city located on the Mississippi River that shall remain nameless, the city that continues to rip off Mark Twain’s citizenship, despite the fact that history and his own writing testify that he abhorred the place and seldom returned once his boyhood days had passed.

However, I considered all the aforementioned reasons for being Montana to be supplemental at best. My prime motivation for being Montana is that it is the last state in the Union that the National Basketball Association would ever consider investing in a franchise. I could spend the rest of my existence concentrating on issues centered on the environment and wildlife without the blight of physically abnormal, misfit freaks of nature in gaudy satin shorts cavorting about an arena in Helena or Missoula.

But, it’s just a foolish dream.