"Tell me a story, Uncle Dodo"

Certified letter has just informed me that the new congress has just passed a bill making Randolph County, Missouri the 51st state. Calling it ‘Assholia’, they revealed that their singular intention in taking this action was to make me the state bird.

Even the stars weep for my plight, which offers me little comfort given that their tears are composed primarily of excruciatingly hot interstellar plasma.