I was thinking the other day, and I know it probably sounds, you know, just crazy, but I thought to myself, ‘you know, as irrational and dysfunctional as I am, I'll bet that, if the right filmmaker got involved, maybe somebody could make a movie dramatizing various aspects of my life’. Now, just hear me out, I think I'm onto something here.
There's a lot about me that audiences would find very amusing, I think. I’m an arguably intelligent, only-somewhat self-hating ex-Catholic who's obsessed with sex, whose many and sundry neuroses and insecurities could lead to any number of mixups and character complications that would leave the audience grateful that they aren’t me. There have been some pretty funny things that have happened in my life, too. You could probably fictionalize some of it if you wanted to… that might work. Either way, I think there's a lot of good material contained within my roughly sixty years spent sucking up precious oxygen that could be utilized more effectively by a more productive member of society.
I'm talking kind of an overall "triumphs and tribulations of the daily routines of various Midwestern pseudointellectuals and/or Wal-Mart shoppers as they go about their daily lives" kind of a thing. I've thought of a title (it's a little self-indulgent, I realize that, please don’t hate me for being clever, I’m not forcing you to use it if you don't like it, it’s merely a suggestion). It's Bubba: Bonkers. Think of it as Citizen Kane meets Porky’s.
I live in rural Missouri, so any film about my life could feature beautiful shots of brown winter corn fields (at least I think they're corn fields), Flink’s Fun Palace, VFW Post # 214, and, yes, even Moberly State Prison. I know many great locations and would be happy to jot them down if you're interested.
The movie could open in a totally red room, and let's say Lucifer and I are verbally jousting, you know, just trying to assert our dominance. Lucifer asks me, "Do you think you’re worthy of admission into Hell, or should I send you to a boring eternity in Heaven?" And I’d tell him, "I'll go wherever you want as long as I’m not stuck behind the farmer driving his combine on County Road DD."
This scene, as well as many others I could probably think of, expresses my pre-occupation with death, and shows that our time on Earth is totally meaningless… and isn’t that the central theme of all great dramatic stories?
Then you could cut to an older me (played by myself, of course), having a dispute with the younger me (played by Brad Pitt or me), about whether or not I should engage in sexual intercourse with a beautiful young student enrolled at the local beauty academy. Eventually, I’d decide to go ahead and sleep with her because she reminds me, in the heat of the moment, that if I don't "get on with it already" I'll be late for my appointment with the proctologist.
Also, it could be interesting to show audiences from whence my insecurities and neuroses stem. A scene depicting me as a young boy being harangued by my strict, no-nonsense parents around the dinner table could be played for great comic effect. Or, you could flashback to my first Communion. I'm on my knees at the altar rail with all the other kids (this was before Vatican ll), trying to look like I really gave a damn about what was going on, and suddenly my mother runs out of the church crying because I spit out the Host (it tasted really funky). I look over to the priest for comfort, but he's been replaced by Brian Dennehy, who in his overly-dramatic, pink, overtly-Irish demeanor, speaking directly to the camera, announces to everyone in the parish that my Communion doesn’t count and that I’m, in all likelihood, going straight to Hell… and that in gym class last week I had been unable do a single pull-up.
Now, I'm just throwing this out there, but a good framing device for this picture could be my various meetings with my shrink. This would really illustrate to audiences that I have, you know, inner doubts and problems with human contact. So, I meet my therapist, Dr. Penick—a strict Freudian—at a local bar/deli/coffeehouse that only three people know about: me, Penick, and a drop-dead gorgeous, sexy college co-ed, who is only made sexier by her hankering for sausage.
These are just a few ideas. There are all sorts of themes from my life that could be utilized as cinematic material. Play it straight like Bergman or immortalize the slapstick efforts of Fellini (to the dismay of his fair-weather fans, sadly) my life offers a series of comic, yet deeply poignant insecurities about the meaning of life as an artist— a rich thematic vein, if I do say so myself, a film structured around that sort of inner dilemma. Or, if you wanted, you could just exemplify the whole "What is the role of the artist in an age when mediocrity is rewarded by the mainstream" question.
Actually, there's probably enough material to make more than one movie about my life, but, good God, look at me… let's not get all, you know, optimistic or overly enthusiastic.
Either way, there could be a film in this, and a funny one at that. It's a mixture of character humor and some solid ‘God, is this guy lame’ gags. I admit, it might not break any box-office records with some of today's audiences in big cities like Davenport and Peoria (they’re all absolute philistines), but I have a feeling it would do respectable business in Randolph County, and possibly in Calcutta or Poland.
Oh, and I would be willing to appear in such a movie… you know, if you needed a super-star actor or something to that effect. I'm just saying...
There's a lot about me that audiences would find very amusing, I think. I’m an arguably intelligent, only-somewhat self-hating ex-Catholic who's obsessed with sex, whose many and sundry neuroses and insecurities could lead to any number of mixups and character complications that would leave the audience grateful that they aren’t me. There have been some pretty funny things that have happened in my life, too. You could probably fictionalize some of it if you wanted to… that might work. Either way, I think there's a lot of good material contained within my roughly sixty years spent sucking up precious oxygen that could be utilized more effectively by a more productive member of society.
I'm talking kind of an overall "triumphs and tribulations of the daily routines of various Midwestern pseudointellectuals and/or Wal-Mart shoppers as they go about their daily lives" kind of a thing. I've thought of a title (it's a little self-indulgent, I realize that, please don’t hate me for being clever, I’m not forcing you to use it if you don't like it, it’s merely a suggestion). It's Bubba: Bonkers. Think of it as Citizen Kane meets Porky’s.
I live in rural Missouri, so any film about my life could feature beautiful shots of brown winter corn fields (at least I think they're corn fields), Flink’s Fun Palace, VFW Post # 214, and, yes, even Moberly State Prison. I know many great locations and would be happy to jot them down if you're interested.
The movie could open in a totally red room, and let's say Lucifer and I are verbally jousting, you know, just trying to assert our dominance. Lucifer asks me, "Do you think you’re worthy of admission into Hell, or should I send you to a boring eternity in Heaven?" And I’d tell him, "I'll go wherever you want as long as I’m not stuck behind the farmer driving his combine on County Road DD."
This scene, as well as many others I could probably think of, expresses my pre-occupation with death, and shows that our time on Earth is totally meaningless… and isn’t that the central theme of all great dramatic stories?
Then you could cut to an older me (played by myself, of course), having a dispute with the younger me (played by Brad Pitt or me), about whether or not I should engage in sexual intercourse with a beautiful young student enrolled at the local beauty academy. Eventually, I’d decide to go ahead and sleep with her because she reminds me, in the heat of the moment, that if I don't "get on with it already" I'll be late for my appointment with the proctologist.
Also, it could be interesting to show audiences from whence my insecurities and neuroses stem. A scene depicting me as a young boy being harangued by my strict, no-nonsense parents around the dinner table could be played for great comic effect. Or, you could flashback to my first Communion. I'm on my knees at the altar rail with all the other kids (this was before Vatican ll), trying to look like I really gave a damn about what was going on, and suddenly my mother runs out of the church crying because I spit out the Host (it tasted really funky). I look over to the priest for comfort, but he's been replaced by Brian Dennehy, who in his overly-dramatic, pink, overtly-Irish demeanor, speaking directly to the camera, announces to everyone in the parish that my Communion doesn’t count and that I’m, in all likelihood, going straight to Hell… and that in gym class last week I had been unable do a single pull-up.
Now, I'm just throwing this out there, but a good framing device for this picture could be my various meetings with my shrink. This would really illustrate to audiences that I have, you know, inner doubts and problems with human contact. So, I meet my therapist, Dr. Penick—a strict Freudian—at a local bar/deli/coffeehouse that only three people know about: me, Penick, and a drop-dead gorgeous, sexy college co-ed, who is only made sexier by her hankering for sausage.
These are just a few ideas. There are all sorts of themes from my life that could be utilized as cinematic material. Play it straight like Bergman or immortalize the slapstick efforts of Fellini (to the dismay of his fair-weather fans, sadly) my life offers a series of comic, yet deeply poignant insecurities about the meaning of life as an artist— a rich thematic vein, if I do say so myself, a film structured around that sort of inner dilemma. Or, if you wanted, you could just exemplify the whole "What is the role of the artist in an age when mediocrity is rewarded by the mainstream" question.
Actually, there's probably enough material to make more than one movie about my life, but, good God, look at me… let's not get all, you know, optimistic or overly enthusiastic.
Either way, there could be a film in this, and a funny one at that. It's a mixture of character humor and some solid ‘God, is this guy lame’ gags. I admit, it might not break any box-office records with some of today's audiences in big cities like Davenport and Peoria (they’re all absolute philistines), but I have a feeling it would do respectable business in Randolph County, and possibly in Calcutta or Poland.
Oh, and I would be willing to appear in such a movie… you know, if you needed a super-star actor or something to that effect. I'm just saying...
6 comments:
Where do I buy the tickets - for multiple viewings, ya know. They've made a movie about my life - it was one of those unedited/unreleased Woody Allen movies...
I think that a lot of us have a little Woody Allen inside us... hopefully without the desire to sleep with one of our daughters, but...
i say ,,, they cant make it till you write it... so get busy.....we all have a movie in us... it is just the power of the writing that makes it come to life.....
You know, I've often thought you should have been a screenwriter with the depth and intricate detail you put into your characters. Go for it...you write it and we'll all get together for the VIP preview! See ya there.
The possibilities boggle the mind! I'm waiting...
Let's see now... if I understand the premise correctly, all I have to do is write it, produce and direct it, then, of course, cast myself in the leading role. Does that about cover it?
I'll get back with you... I need to call my brother-in-law and see if he'll loan me his movie camera... it may take me a little while, though, I'll need to try to find the router I borrowed from him five or six years ago before i go over there.
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