Monday, February 11, 2008

All The News Anyone Could Possibly Expect

(UPI) Nkhata Bay, Malawi— Tired of the killing and general lack of respect that humans show for each other, Nhaba-Tsibutu, the large cape buffalo grazing on swamp grass at the edge of the village, made a plea for greater understanding. Then, realizing that his efforts were mistaken for an act of aggression, he charged into a local market and trampled everyone incapable of outrunning him, thereby making it a self-fulfilling prophesy.

(Reuters) Jiangsu, China— The Hang Fang Porcelain Works, makers of the once-famous “I Wish I Were Dead” coffee cup, will suspend operations on March 1, 2008 because of slow sales and the decline of the US dollar. When contacted for comment, President Bush said, “I really don’t give a shit… I already got me one.”

(UPI) Hadleyburg, Ohio—In January 2008, drinking in local rock quarries declined by nearly 40%, according to Hadley County Deputy Sheriff and Officer of Community Relations, Purcell Purser. While admitting that reasons for the sharp decline are not well-defined, it is concluded by law enforcement and other community leaders that strict enforcement of drunk driving ordinances and the fact that the weather has been colder than a well-digger’s ass may well be driving the reduction.

(AP) Ypsilanti, Michigan—Local mother Juanita Carlson tossed and turned all night on Sunday, wondering what her son, Willie, is eating while away at school. Willie, 19, a freshman at The Michigan Millinery Academy, received his mother’s blessing and approximately $4,000 worth of comestibles and preparation utensils when he moved into his off-campus apartment, but Mrs. Carlson fears that he may not know where to find the cooking oil, which she mistakenly put on the top shelf behind the large box of trash liners. Also, Willie hasn’t contacted his mother since the late night hours of January 1st, when he called and informed his mother that “this shit is fucking incredible”, before the line immediately went dead.
Compounding the situation, last night Willy’s landlord called Mrs. Carlson, informing her that a terrible odor even now emanated from Willy’s apartment, and that if she didn’t call Willie and tell him to clean it up, his next call would be to the police. Apparently, the line wasn't the only thing in the apartment that had gone dead.


hfurness said...

Yeah, the news will drive you nuts... those news services never tell you good stuff, unless your a proponent for water buffalo.

Anonymous said...

hahah, what a wonderful world, we need more buffaloes like that one,

paisley said...

does someone i know have way too much time on his hands,,,, or is the fark crew doing their job?????