Sunday, February 10, 2008

Dimple-Cheese Delicacies

Lately, I’ve felt the need to remain incognito, regardless what situation might arise. Trust me, my friends; this is more easily alleged than executed… or something to that effect. The semantics of the wording is totally unimportant in this case, and while I could have just as well (and correctly, I might add) written, “…more easily said than done”, it would risk sounding trite or banal, would it not? Now, look what you’ve done… you’ve forced me off point. But it won’t work! Do you understand me? No, sir! Regardless of your insidious motives, I shall remain true to my quest… and you can take that to the bank, Mister! Wake up and smell the coffee!

Oh, my goodness… I just re-read the previous paragraph and I see that I used exclamation points to punctuate four out of the last five sentences. My God, how amateurish! Oops… sorry, there’s another one. I’m so ashamed. I fear I’ve become so single-minded in my attempt to illustrate my zeal that I’ve temporarily stomped on the Principle of Exclamation Point Economy! Help me, sweet Jesus!

It is, precisely, times such as these, that a lesser writer might give in to temptation and (gulp) edit. (Excuse me for a second… I need a sip of coffee…) (There… that’s nice. I recently switched to a different brand of Colombian, not so much because my current brand was failing to please, but because the brand I’m now using is a little closer to eye level on the shelf and requires less expenditure of ergs in the task’s execution. Overall, I’d assess the experiment as a success, although I have no support for the theory except personal observation, therefore violating the premise of scientific method and rendering any conclusions necessarily vacuous, or at the very least, questionable. I hope the scientists among your numbers can, in time, learn to forgive me for my sloppy execution of time-honored protocol. Did I mention that the new brand also carries an asking price of nearly double that of the old? Never mind, the point is moot in any case... I'll just give up breakfast to make up the difference or, perhaps, start drinking Ripple instead of Boone's Farm... I need to give that a little more thought.)

Anyway… I tried not to attract attention today. This might be a good time to point out that if you’re a novice and still trying to learn the art of disguise, forget about camouflaged wetsuits— I tried wearing mine to the mall, and people could still see me, even when I crouched and attempted to remain very still. I think next time I’ll leave the rubber duckie flotation device at home.

In the words of the esteemed Donny Baker: I gotta go…


hfurness said...

Ripple, Boone's Farm, wetsuits, rubber duckies, your value far outweighs your uniqueness no matter how many exclamation points you use!! - thanks - a fan

Anonymous said...

Hahahah! whoops there's another one, very cool, rumbunctious even,

Jo Janoski said...

I don't know about you, but I erf when I edit, and economy of erf is really important to me...oh m'gosh, I'm talking like you now...lemme outta here!

kaylee said...

Was it a yellow rubber
duckie? !!!!!
This was a nice read but
now I need some of
that Boone stuff.!!!!!!!
way to go Joe, er... I mean

I had some left over!!!!!!

Bubba said...

I can see from everyone's comments that the time-honored principles of good writing, as characterized by the use of exclamation points, have been (temporarily?) suspended or, at the very least, ignored. Does this usurpation of tradition indicate a revolution or merely another exhibition of righteous indignation on the part of my readers?

amuirin said...

You measure an 8.5 on the goof richter scale.

paisley said...

stick with the boones farm... it's doin' ya proud.....