Sunday, February 03, 2008

Have you ever wanted to be someone (or something) else? I've always thought I'd be pretty neat to be a bird. And it wouldn't have to be an exotic bird, either. I wouldn't tax the Creator's patience by insisting He make me a Blue Crown Conure or Patagonian Nanday. I'd settle for being a common pigeon. Yea, a pigeon...

Sure, pigeons are a pain in the ass sometimes, given their propensity toward crapping all over everything in sight and, yes, it's true that they're known to carry some pretty nasty diseases, as well. But they can be useful. Say, for example, you're trapped behind enemy lines in Nazi Germany and you need to get a message to the Allied commanders so that they can come get you... what better way to do it than with a carrier pigeon? Not even the Nazis are cruel enough to shoot down a harmless pigeon.


Yes, there are lots of good reasons to be a pigeon. But maybe the best would be that if I were a pigeon, and got a little too drunk and felt the need to take a squirt on Ben Franklin's statue in the park, maybe I wouldn't have had to bail myself out of jail this morning.


I'm just sayin'...

11 comments:

amuirin said...

And how much was it to post bail?

It might be cheaper just to pee on a hundred dollar bill.

I hope 'squirt' means pee.

I think I"m not gonna think about that anymore.

Bubba said...

amuirin-- As usual, I chose the wrong word in 'squirt'. Had I not imposed the "No-Edit Rule" lo, these many years ago, I'd go back and change 'squirt' to 'whiz', thus alleviating any angst produced in the minds of my readers. As for your suggestion about merely peeing on a hundred dollar bill, I'd be happy to try it if you'll be so kind (not to mention generous) as to contribute the aforementioned currency.

At this point, bail is not a primary consideration. My insurance coverage at the Moberly Home For The Bewildered contains a special rider to cover such contingencies... the hardest part is chewing through my arm restraints.

amuirin said...

lol

but ... is that part true: do you really not edit?

Wow.

I like 'burnish' every post. Polish the crap out of the writing ones, usually about 10 minor edits before I'll leave it alone. The informal ones I only change if something is really bothering me.

Bubba said...

I guess it comes down to a philosophy of why I write, actually. I get ideas that need to be transcribed, and they won't leave me alone until I put them down on paper. So, once they're there, I believe that if I go back and change them, it's tantamount to saying, 'no, I really don't think you're quite cute enough, so I'm going to give you these breast implants'. I'm not anal about it, if I see a typo or an obvious gaffe that will make me look seem even stupider than I normally do, then I'll change it, but I don't edit for content. In my opinion, that's dishonest. None of my thoughts need breast implants.

That being said, I'd probably be a better writer if I did. However, since The New Yorker isn't responding to my threats of litigation, I'd say the point is moot.

Jo Janoski said...

The Home for the Bewildered? Can I get in? I'm bewildered.

Bubba said...

Well, Jo, if anything can clear it up your bewilderment, watching your boy Tommy straighten his helmet out when he was looking out through the earhole might do it. That Giant defense played great!

However, I'll see that they put a cot out for you in the Quandary Room just in case.

Anonymous said...

haha, cool bananas,i will remember your story next friday 3.30 am, stumbling home, and laugh, i wish i was a pigeon, brilliant punch line,

Dan said...

A pigeon, huh? Bob I always pictured you as a blue emu.

Bubba said...

gingatao-- I'll be with you in spirit, mate... and thanks for stopping by!

Dan-- Blue Emu, eh? Would that be because I'm fast-acting, deep-penetrating and topical or is it just that I'm odorless and non-greasy? (Well, odorless most of the time)

Shirley said...

Gee, for a pigeon you're sharp as a hawk!

Bubba said...

Shirley-- Gosh, even a pigeon can use Google. Coo... coo... coo...