James Watt, after watching a kettle boil over, was sufficiently inspired to invent the steam engine. What you'll invent after witnessing an overweight epileptic eat tacos may, quite possibly, bring about the end of life as we know it.
How cool would it be to wake up from a coma and have the first words out of your mouth emerge in a language you didn’t speak before you lapsed? If my wife can be trusted to tell me the truth, this has actually happened, and on more than one occasion.
Can you imagine? Aunt Shirley went around the bend five years ago and you’re pretty close to the stage where you start to plant flowers in her navel when suddenly the lights come back on. She sits bolt upright in her bed and begins to greet you in Arabic or Serbo-Croatian! How neat would that be? How long do you think it would take the hospital to find an interpreter who could speak the Papua New Guinean Kewa dialect? Meanwhile, Aunt Shirley is trying to shove a bone through her nose and build a fire next to her respirator.
Do you suppose that all people in vegetative states are really getting intense Berlitz courses in the language of their choice and won’t be released back into the world until they’ve passed their final exams? That might explain why some folks never get back... they just can’t seem to memorize the proper verb declensions and formal/informal derivatives.
And who is teaching these somnambulistic courses? Are there teams of metaphysical language teachers flitting around in our cranial midsts, merely waiting to seize the opportunity? 'Mrs. Herbstreit, go to Moberly, Missouri, you have a new pupil... one Mr. Bob Church... he wants to learn Middle English.' Then, she smacks me on the head, puts my lights out, and school starts. Meanwhile, I get a four or five-year vacation at the Randall County Institute for the Simple, matriculating patiently while my vocabulary skill levels soar to C- levels before graduation.
Just think... if I could master Middle English, my dream of becoming a thane would finally come true. I’d love to think that I could graduate somewhere before my window to the world finally slams shut... it might erase the horrors of high school. Sweet...
(Final note*** No babies were harmed in the writing of this piece.)