Friday, April 04, 2008

Mercedes Doesn’t Break— it Benz

Not a day goes by that someone doesn’t get the crap beat out of him by an inferior weapon. No matter whether it’s a broken aluminum baseball bat or an older waffle-head ball peen hammer, most of us, at one time or another have gone through the de-humanizing experience of being ravaged by a cut-rate thug who doesn’t have enough pride to use quality weaponry.

Well, I’m busting my buttons with pride (or I would be if I wasn’t currently wearing an open-back hospital gown) because the tire iron that put me in the hospital was wielded by a car thief who stole my Mercedes.

Yes, this is the type of tire iron you’d be proud to tell your friends about after your jaw has been smashed and your face beaten nearly beyond recognition. It did hurt for a few seconds as he pummeled the back of my head with it, and it’s true that I did cry a little as he shattered seven of my ribs, but the sublime German engineering of this little beauty kept the shaft from buckling when he broke my kneecaps and if you look real close you can see the Mercedes logo scar just underneath the skin on my belly. After all, there’s no shame in being beaten within an inch of one’s life by the best damn tire iron money can buy!

Every blow to the ribcage I endured gave me more and more respect and even as I drifted in and out of consciousness and while I made my desperate pleas for mercy, I couldn’t help but notice the distinctive thud of fine German steel. Most of all, though, I was amazed how the patented Mercedes sure-grip handle allowed my assailant to keep a good grip on the tool even though it was now covered in my blood. The way I look at it, if you’re going to lose three or four pints of body fluids, you may as well lose it to the weapon preferred by demolition experts and career criminals throughout the European continent and most of America except certain parts of Los Angeles, Chicago, New York and Detroit.

While it’s true that I may never again be able to walk, at least I’ll eventually be able to hold my head up high (even if it requires a sling) knowing that I will live out the remainder of my life without the humiliation of being crippled by a cut-rate thief. If my memory hasn’t returned in a couple of years, at least I’ll have that Mercedes logo indelibly burned into my gray matter.

9 comments:

gingatao said...

Sustained metaphor? Cool idea, personally I think all weapons are a bit uncouth, but i'm sure you have something classy with which to whack them back,

Lee's River/Zlatovyek said...

There you go. I always said it's those lousy boot marks left by inferior imports that really destroy one's self-esteem.
But a Mercedes imprint on the brain? Now that is
Priceless

Lee's River/Zlatovyek said...

(btw my emails bounce back)

Jo Janoski said...

I promise you when...er, I mean if I run you over with my truck, I'll be mindful to have the best tires money can buy. Can't leave an inferior tire track on your forehead, now can we?

paisley said...

this was of course hysterical.. but this line really made it for me:

the sublime German engineering of this little beauty kept the shaft from buckling when he broke my kneecaps

Bubba said...

gingatao-- Yes, I do, as a matter of fact... it's called a five-iron, and it's manufactured by Calloway. It's swing-weighted to D-5 with square grooves, titanium shafts and oversized leather grips... nothing but the finest. heh heh heh

Lee-- It's nice to meet someone else who appreciates a quality beating. If the job is worth doing, it's worth doing right, isn't it?

Can't explain the email thing... I'll try emailing you.

Jo-- Your sensitivity makes me want to cry. Just knowing that you'd spend $600 to see to it that you didn't offend my aesthetic sense... well, it makes me tear up a little.

Paisley-- Thanks, girl, I appreciate hearing that something works once in a while.

thefork said...

i hear mercedes has decided to launch a new ad campaign based on your story...how did all those agencies in the past miss the tire iron angle...?

this had me rolling...

Bubba said...

Hi, Chico... Y'spose? Funny, though, I haven't heard anything about royalties... but then, my Samoan lawyer, Gonzo, has been indisposed as of late, so there's every possibility I have checks piling up in his mailbox if his neighbor, Lawrence, hasn't found them. If I haven't heard anything by tomorrow, I'll call them. Do you think Mercedes is open on Sunday? Oh, wait... it's Monday in Germany, isn't it? Never mind.

Shirley said...

Classic Bubba. Good to have you back. I wonder if a Pontiac Grand Am tire iron is honorable? I think not. I'll just let 'em have it!