I am a curmudgeon, or so I’ve been accused. I've never actually looked the word up in the dictionary, but I'm told that it is a classification of person (usually reserved for the male of the species) who takes a dim, negative view of the same world others hold in awe. A curmudgeon might look askance at the accomplishments of today's super-stars in any field of endeavor, explaining them away as a media-generated attempt to justify their own existence, when in fact, the great achievers of yesteryear would be able to achieve far more, given the same advantages and circumstances existing currently.Case in point: The current homerun hitters in the National League. While it is supportable that Barry Bonds would likely have been a good hitter in any period of baseball history, I am of the opinion that had he been born forty years earlier, without the advantage of androstenedione and the other anabolic steroids which currently bolster strength and conditioning, he might have been inclined to pop up at least a few of the homeruns that now disappear into San Francisco Bay, thereby keeping Hank Aaron's legally-achieved homerun record the stuff of legend. Don’t get me started on the ball itself… all you have to do is look at the number of second basemen who have hit over 20 home runs per season lately and compare them with second basemen of forty years ago, and I think you might agree that there are a lot more home runs being hit by people who historically, by position, were not able to produce the kind of offensive power which is currently being exhibited. Does this entitle today's players to be considered superior to their predecessors? Well, being a curmudgeon, I'm probably the wrong person to ask, because by definition, I'm not able to think in terms of the here and now. Evidently, since there is still only three outs for each side during an inning, the numbers which are compared from this generation to past are empirical and definite without asterisks. But I digress.
Let's just say that maybe I'm inclined to micro-manage (to use a current buzz word that would have sounded silly if used in a sentence forty years ago) the way I assess accomplishment. I've been called everything from cynic to reactionary, especially when I'm out of earshot of my critics. Lots of folks disagree with my opinions, but few challenge them when I am present to discuss them. Now, this phenomenon is not due to my physical presence. I am a pretty big guy, but anyone who has known me for more than about 30 minutes knows that I'm extremely unlikely to get physical with anyone who keeps his hands off me. Maybe I’m just not considered worthy of the effort necessary to defend what they believe to be true, I don't know. You'll have to ask them, and I'm sure they'd be willing to tell you, as long as you are willing to keep their name out of it. You see, frankly, I think many of my fellow Americans have forfeited their cajones. Yea, that's right, you heard me. We're becoming a nation of devious chickenshits who're willing to wage war on any one of an increasingly large number of third world nations as long as we can lob laser-guided bombs at population centers! Of course, if we have to actually get down in the muck with them, it's an entirely different story...
That's another bad habit I have. I tend to get off on tangents when I'm trying to make a point. I think that's due to my short attention span— thoughts filter through my brain-fog, only to short-circuit what I had originally intended to talk about.
You'll pardon me, please. We were talking about my curmudgeonhood. All right, don't start, I know it's not a word. But it's still cool-sounding… curmudgeonhood. It has a certain distinctive ring to it, doesn't it? It almost sounds like an honorary degree conferred upon someone: “Psst… see that ugly dude over there? That sucker's got a Master's in curmudgeonhood. Can you believe that? Stay away from him.”
Another reason that most people don't like curmudgeons is that we aren't inclined to care what you say about our opinions. You see, those opinions are the result of many years of experience. Since truth is largely the product of everyday observance and acceptance, the discussion of other opinions about concurrent observances are simply not necessary, since yours are obviously wrong. If I didn't see it, it didn't happen, unless a book published by Dr. Phil or some other contemporary genius says it did. Take for example, Darwin's Theory of Evolution. That particular hypothesis has been accepted as true for the past generation or so, unless, of course, you happen to live in Kansas. In Kansas, they know it couldn't possibly be true, because the Bible says that the earth and mankind were only created about a thousand years ago. Just ask Bishop Lightfoot. He researched the subject about a hundred and fifty years ago or so, and he actually took the time to figure out all the begats clear back to Adam. Since the Word of God is divine, (no, you idiots, I don't mean Andy Devine), and unquestionable, then all this carbon dating and potassium argon dating and other such nonsense is just that— nonsensical, therefore unnecessary. Man did not come from monkeys, and the mere suggestion that he did is ludicrous and ridiculous… not to mention insulting to the monkey.
Let's just say that maybe I'm inclined to micro-manage (to use a current buzz word that would have sounded silly if used in a sentence forty years ago) the way I assess accomplishment. I've been called everything from cynic to reactionary, especially when I'm out of earshot of my critics. Lots of folks disagree with my opinions, but few challenge them when I am present to discuss them. Now, this phenomenon is not due to my physical presence. I am a pretty big guy, but anyone who has known me for more than about 30 minutes knows that I'm extremely unlikely to get physical with anyone who keeps his hands off me. Maybe I’m just not considered worthy of the effort necessary to defend what they believe to be true, I don't know. You'll have to ask them, and I'm sure they'd be willing to tell you, as long as you are willing to keep their name out of it. You see, frankly, I think many of my fellow Americans have forfeited their cajones. Yea, that's right, you heard me. We're becoming a nation of devious chickenshits who're willing to wage war on any one of an increasingly large number of third world nations as long as we can lob laser-guided bombs at population centers! Of course, if we have to actually get down in the muck with them, it's an entirely different story...
That's another bad habit I have. I tend to get off on tangents when I'm trying to make a point. I think that's due to my short attention span— thoughts filter through my brain-fog, only to short-circuit what I had originally intended to talk about.
You'll pardon me, please. We were talking about my curmudgeonhood. All right, don't start, I know it's not a word. But it's still cool-sounding… curmudgeonhood. It has a certain distinctive ring to it, doesn't it? It almost sounds like an honorary degree conferred upon someone: “Psst… see that ugly dude over there? That sucker's got a Master's in curmudgeonhood. Can you believe that? Stay away from him.”
Another reason that most people don't like curmudgeons is that we aren't inclined to care what you say about our opinions. You see, those opinions are the result of many years of experience. Since truth is largely the product of everyday observance and acceptance, the discussion of other opinions about concurrent observances are simply not necessary, since yours are obviously wrong. If I didn't see it, it didn't happen, unless a book published by Dr. Phil or some other contemporary genius says it did. Take for example, Darwin's Theory of Evolution. That particular hypothesis has been accepted as true for the past generation or so, unless, of course, you happen to live in Kansas. In Kansas, they know it couldn't possibly be true, because the Bible says that the earth and mankind were only created about a thousand years ago. Just ask Bishop Lightfoot. He researched the subject about a hundred and fifty years ago or so, and he actually took the time to figure out all the begats clear back to Adam. Since the Word of God is divine, (no, you idiots, I don't mean Andy Devine), and unquestionable, then all this carbon dating and potassium argon dating and other such nonsense is just that— nonsensical, therefore unnecessary. Man did not come from monkeys, and the mere suggestion that he did is ludicrous and ridiculous… not to mention insulting to the monkey.
Harrumph! Evolution, indeed…
What’s that? You believe in it, too? I have a good mind to call The Reverend Fred Phelps and have him come over and picket your house.
11 comments:
Curmudgeonhood makes you a Knight of the Cur who rolled in the mud before getting locked up in the Dungeon.
A muddy cur in a dungeon is nasty, snarly and downright smelly.
I don't know if you qualify but it comes with the title so you might as well indulge.
Having just come down from a tree a few hours ago myself (an exercise I indulge on a a regular basis), I reserve my judgment on the evolution issue.
On the subject of baseball, I have no opinion whatsoever. (What's a barry bonds?)
Lee? Ummmm... what exactly has my wife been telling you? Yes, I may have gotten the slightest bit dirty, and, indeed, I may have been a bit out of sorts when I came in, and I'll even plead guilty to leaving a hint of ambience emanating from my nether regions, but the entire ceremony was conducted in tribute to the Hippo God, and I spared no expense in the exercise thereof...
Sheesh... and you think you know someone.
Well then mark me down for curmudgeonliness too if that's what it is. Especially with respect to sports, these blokes these days are spoiled little poseurs with everything in their favour. Back in my day I used to walk barefoot twelve miles to the ground, down six beers and then play football, now they're professionals at fourteen and blah blah, perhaps people don't argue with you, not because you are intimidating but because you are so obviously right, whack, oh no hooking, hooking, shit, straight into the forest,
In my experience curmudgeon and cynic are just words people apply to someone they are envious of because that person is always right, and they are always wrong.
It's a hard life for the perpetually correct, I imagine. Haha, I applaud your fortitude!
Paul-- Listen, I'm giving you one more mulligan and that's it. You've hit so many provisionals on this hole trying to keep one inbounds, that almost every square inch of ground outside the stakes looks like it's been hailing. Oh, damn... now look what you've done... the course marshall wants to know why I've built a fire on the teebox.
Peter-- Yea, that's me, all right... perpetually correct. That's why I'm so rich and famous. I have all the money I'll ever need... unless I want to buy something.
gee--you feeling better? :)
Scot-- Ha! Y'spose?
I had a curmudgeon
once but it ran way from
home.
Did you mean hairy bonds
or marry bonds?
I do not get it.
WHat is a bonds??
(snort)
loving it as always
kay lee
lfmty
Hi, Kay-- Yes, I'm told we make wonderful pets, although prone to wanderlust. Heehee... thanks!
i don't care what you call yourself... you'll always be bubba to me.....
Hi, Jodi-- Nice to hear that... I have to imagine that there are worse things than being a Bubba. :)
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