Chip Off The Old Block
By one or another of The Brothers-Not-Exactly-Grim-But-Certainly-Not-Cheery-Either
“Gimme a cigarette, will ya’?” The adolescent held out his hand toward his father, impatience dripping from his fingers like melted butter that’s been too-liberally-applied to a oven-hot baked potato.
“Gimme a cigarette, will ya’?” Mimicked the old woodcarver, turning the corners of his mouth down like the covers on the bed in the master suite at the Hotel Del Coronado in San Juan Capistrano. “You want me to light it for you, too, and maybe smack you on the chest a couple of times to get your lungs started sucking? I wouldn't want you to have to exert yourself.”
Pulling a single cigarette out of the pack and extending it to his son, Geppetto shook his head in pity. “You’re a big disappointment, Pinocchio. All the other kids on the block steal cars and mug old ladies… and all you do is sit on the table and mooch cigarettes.”
“Oh, come on, it’s just one cigarette… and don’t start in with the ‘my son’s nothing but a worthless hunk of wood’ crap, either… you’re the one hallucinating, not me. Maybe you ought to consider laying off the pharmaceuticals a little.”
Watching Pinocchio’s eyes widen as he inhaled, Geppetto sadly but lovingly stroked the knothole in the wall and whispered, “I’m sorry, Maria… I’ve failed you.”
By one or another of The Brothers-Not-Exactly-Grim-But-Certainly-Not-Cheery-Either
“Gimme a cigarette, will ya’?” The adolescent held out his hand toward his father, impatience dripping from his fingers like melted butter that’s been too-liberally-applied to a oven-hot baked potato.
“Gimme a cigarette, will ya’?” Mimicked the old woodcarver, turning the corners of his mouth down like the covers on the bed in the master suite at the Hotel Del Coronado in San Juan Capistrano. “You want me to light it for you, too, and maybe smack you on the chest a couple of times to get your lungs started sucking? I wouldn't want you to have to exert yourself.”
Pulling a single cigarette out of the pack and extending it to his son, Geppetto shook his head in pity. “You’re a big disappointment, Pinocchio. All the other kids on the block steal cars and mug old ladies… and all you do is sit on the table and mooch cigarettes.”
“Oh, come on, it’s just one cigarette… and don’t start in with the ‘my son’s nothing but a worthless hunk of wood’ crap, either… you’re the one hallucinating, not me. Maybe you ought to consider laying off the pharmaceuticals a little.”
Watching Pinocchio’s eyes widen as he inhaled, Geppetto sadly but lovingly stroked the knothole in the wall and whispered, “I’m sorry, Maria… I’ve failed you.”
The End
7 comments:
Thanks, Bob - I spewed coffee out my nostrils on this one!
heheheheheheheeeee
Funny, but somehow deeply disturbing too. And the simile invention continues, cool,
just great! You can keep this series up till the termites come
I agree--simile away, you crazy nut!
Another original from the master. He must've been equipped with a Black & Decker...never mind.
That's what happens when you knock on wood.
Hi, everyone...
Every once in a while (for reasons I can't begin to understand) I like to take a swing at nursery rhymes. Somehow, Geppetto (as depicted by Disney, at least) and his saccharin qualities of goodness needed a touch of reality. Maybe it has something to do with my role in Crawford Elementary School's 1953 1st grade production of The Wizard of Oz. Maybe becoming a Munchkin against one's will does something to a person...
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