The Conversationalist

“I see here that you’re 59 years old. Do you think your age will help or hinder you if you’re selected as our new Conversationalist? Explain your answer, please.”

“Thank you for being polite, although I must tell you, it tends to make me think you’re trying to sell me another insurance policy or perhaps a used car that recently had the odometer rolled back. Overt politeness, especially from one who assumes dominion over another, might be misinterpreted as a false kindness offered to elicit a desired response. However, to answer your question, my age will neither help nor hinder me, it is merely the numerical enumeration of trips the earth has made around the sun during my lifetime. Now, if you’re asking my opinion as to whether I would give you reason to automatically disqualify me for consideration for the position and having done so, allow you to assess whether or not I would consider the question in violation of Federal Age Discrimination laws and bring suit against your company, I can assure you that the answer would be ‘no’ to the former and a resounding ‘yes’ to the latter. I’d advise you against using language that would paint you into that unfortunate corner, for after my attorneys finished ripping your corporation a new asshole you might be working for me rather than vice-versa. Should I continue?”

“Have I touched a nerve?”

“Heavens, no… I’m cool as the other side of the pillow, whatever the hell that means. Until now, I’ve managed not to use that particular cliché given its roots in athletic parlance, but I honestly don’t care what you think, and you do tend to give the impression that you might be of the ‘jock’ mentality. No offense intended.”

“None taken. Do you enjoy talking to jocks?”

“ ‘Enjoy’ is a perilous word, absolutely fraught with danger. To derive pleasure from any pursuit leading to job performance or financial gain connotes a philosophical theft or duplicity on the part of the donee. If I ‘enjoy’ myself, am I really working? And if I am working, am I working hard enough? Enjoyment should be a leisure activity financed entirely by the quester. To seek enjoyment in the accomplishment of one’s chosen profession is intellectually dishonest. That being said, if you’re really asking if I derive satisfaction from successfully conducting an interview in the pursuit of knowledge that an athlete might possess and gaining the answers I seek, then I’d reply in the affirmative.”

“Then you do like jocks?”

“Listening is not your long suit, is it?”

“Well, can you rephrase it?”

“Of course I can rephrase it… but why should I? Are you completely out of ammunition? Perhaps I should get up and walk out into the foyer and ask the pretty receptionist to dial your immediate supervisor; I’m sure he or she would appreciate hearing that I thoroughly ‘enjoyed’ embarrassing you in front of the entire office before calling one of your rival networks and accepting their offer of employment.”

“So… you are enjoying this.”

“Yes, goddamn it all… I am.”

“Great! Can you start the first of next week?”

“Well, if you mean, can I start at the universally-accepted beginning of the work week, Monday, in direct disregard to the Julian calendar’s insistence that Sunday is, in fact, the first day of the week, I’d have to say that it would not be a deal breaker, however if you’re ...”