Okay, listen up because I don't want to have to repeat myself... it's irritating. And I don't enjoy being irritated so early in the morning. There's nothing worse than waking up and immediately having to confront something or someone devoted to the exercise of pissing you off. As I crawled out of bed and tried to walk the seven steps into my bathroom (six if I have to step over the cat), what is the first thing I hear after I flush?
"Make sure you put the seat back down."
Of course, the voice came from a position roughly concentrated around the other side of my bed. I can't be certain, the room is still dark since I already turned the bathroom light off, however, since for the last thirty years or so (give or take a year one way or the other, record-keeping is her bailiwick, not mine) circumstance has determined that no one enters my bedroom except the dog, the cat and a certain woman whose presence I've come to expect, unless I'm hallucinating or experiencing some sort of strange brain aneurism, odds are pretty good that my wife is trying to piss me off before she even offered a morning greeting.
Plus, I think she did it without even facing in my direction... I can't really see her, but judging from the timbre of the voice and her long-practiced habit of sleeping facing away from me (she swears it has nothing to do with the fact that I snore), I'm sure she's feeling very smug knowing that her warning is even now causing a slow burn to develop inside my cranium.
Quickly, I grabbed my water glass and opened the hot water tap, allowing some warm water to fill the glass. Then, as I heard the rustle of a robe being fitted onto a now-standing woman, I poured the contents of the glass all over the toilet seat now situated in the requested down-position.
As she entered the bathroom and prepared to sit down, I smiled at her and offered, "What makes you think I bothered to put it up in the first place?"
When I heard the scream, I'd reconnoitered the approximately nine steps (twelve if you're not running) necessary to take me out of range of an immediate barrage of expletives/hair brushes.
Of course, I had to make my own coffee... but the silence is magnificent.
14 comments:
Dude...its a hard rain thats gonna fall...On the other hand it is strange that men are expected to leave the seat down and woman who are not expected to leave the seat up...although I am told that in some parts of the world everyone is expected to leave the seat as well as the lid down cuz it makes a toilet seem so much more comely...and by the way is this the reason it is called a TOILet?
Such a nasty trick to play on your wife, especially since that voice you heard wasn't hers. It was God. She doesn't like the seat left up either. It's a girl thing. You're gonna burn in hell, brother!
This had me chuckling...just don't be surprised when she Saran Wraps the toilet...hehe.
This is so satisfying, especially since all the current aggravation in my life is being caused by holier than thou women at work, thanks Bob!!
i advocate installing a urinal and a toilet in our bathrooms, just like in public restrooms...
nice slice of postmodern domestic theater...
We must delight in all the small joys life offers us.
lol
lolol.
My mom has many times told me the decision to marry is based on finding someone who you want to irritate for the rest of your life.
I think you guys have it down.
LOL!!
You are so bad
you know she will get even
right?
At least you did not go
in the sink, or........
I hope I did not give you
any ideas.
klk
ha!!! what a great gag!!! i am not fixated on the position of the toilet seat... and not having been i have splashed my behind in the water in the middle of the night many a time!!!!
now that's funny--I don't care what you say!
Hey, I never tell The Mur to put the seat down, mostly for the fairness issue poetman raises. If Mur's gotta bend down to raise it, it's only fair that I check and put it back if I need.
That said, "saran wrap the toilet" should be the least of your worries...
;-)
(Glad you popped by to my undecipherable corner of the multiverse. And I don't believe your "uhm, y'all are doing smart thangs here" pose for a second. Come back soon!)
Hi, everyone... well, we seem to have some sort of a quorum. I'm going to hell without passing go, I should sleep with my eyes open for the rest of my nature life, check the head for Saran Wrap and perhaps have a novena said for my mortal soul... does that about cover it?
Amuirin was right... we do have a way of finding things to pick at with each other. But she usually forgives me... she's a very lucky woman.
having lived in countries where there are no such things as toilet seats (and you're lucky if there is a toilet) the whole kaffuffle over the UP and DOWN thing confounds me no end. WHY aren't men telling their wives "don't forget to put it back up, PLEASE"?
(for those who don't know me, I am of the female gender persuasion so don't start hurling macho at me, I. Just. Don't. Understand.)
Lee-- After reading your comment, I hereby award you an honorary Y- chromosome. We've been trying to explain this principle (unsuccessfully I might add) to the ladies in our lives for as long as toilet seats have existed. I can't imagine the horror of having to put the seat down rather than having to lift it up...
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