Thursday, March 20, 2008

Position of Non-Missionary Importance




I may quit writing.

I’ve been informed (and I’m being kind when I say this, it’s a pure and simple euphemistic attempt on my part to be nice—for reasons I’ve not yet stopped to consider, but I shall at some point in the future and report back—if, indeed, I don’t decide to quit writing) that my sentences are unnecessarily long, needlessly convoluted, and difficult to interpret without re-reading; worse, it seems that my writing (when boiled down to its lowest common denominator) is ‘conversational in nature’.

Conversational in nature? Can you believe someone would say something like that to me? Do you think I really want to converse with someone… anyone, for that matter? Yes? Oh, really… my, my, my… we’re a bit full of ourselves, aren’t we?

Well, let me assure you, The Big Fella doesn’t need conversation to make his day. He’s really quite satisfied creating just the sort of communications that require no oral gratification (not that there’s anything inherently wrong with oral gratification, necessarily, as long as it’s conducted by consenting adults possessing the intellectual and emotional ability to discern the ramifications of their actions and take proper measures to protect themselves against communicable diseases, but I shouldn’t need to tell any of you this… it should go without saying) whatsoever. He’s been known to go for days on end without once requesting that any other being speak to him, which, by the way, is not true of oral gratification… he has been known, on occasion (and nearly always unsuccessfully), to beg for that. ‘Conversational in nature’… it is to laugh.

Do you really know what I think about all this? “Well, ex-cccuuuussseee me!”

Oh, and, for what it’s worth? I’ve also decided not to quit writing—if for no other reason, it might piss you off.

I have an idea currently being processed in my frontal lobes concerning two penguins and a very large can of Sterno. I promise you the story will not be conversational in nature.

19 comments:

paisley said...

who the hell said that? and what would they know anyway? surely they are not a regular reader of your work or they would know that it isn't in the conversational quality of the sentences that the true fault lies, but rather the content which in itself chooses to be rather acerbic, albiet visionary at times.. but then i don't know why i am telling you that,, as i am sure you already know...... LOL!!!!

"bastage..." tell them i said so!!!!

Jo Janoski said...

Just tell him: "I did not have oral gratification with that reader." -- and make sure you check your blue pants for stains...

Shirley said...

Have you been talking with those high and mighty publishers again? Or, some other form of idiot? You don't need to stop writing…they need to start reading!

Lori Witzel said...

Bwhahahahaha!!!

Wreak your vengeance, Your Not-Q-R-Ness, and keep on ritin'. And don't forget to make those sentences extra-gnarly, for all us conversational readers.

;-)

Scot said...

throw in a cup that won't stay put and make it interesting :)

amuirin said...

Penguins... sterno... Bring it on!

You cant really quit writing anyway. I suppose you could quit writing here but it's in your blood and there's no vaccination.

Bubba said...

Paisley-- Thank ya, love... now, I'm off to find out if 'acerbic' is like being from Serbia.

Jo-- Uh, I... er, I mean... ummm..., well, that is, I...

Shirley-- Indeed, I have. See if I ever send a short story out anywhere except to WordCatalyst again!

Lori-- Thanks a bunch... you can count on it!

Amuirin-- When you're right, you're right.

Bubba said...

Sorry, Scot, I didn't see your comment until I counted the number of comments and the number of folks I'd addressed. I'll have to give the 'moving cup' premise some thought... there's very little about a moving cup that isn't interesting, especially if you've hit it with a Louisville Slugger a few times.

Anonymous said...

Haha, raging bull, look out! It didn't take you long to get right back in form. The world is full of fools fit for nothing but Bob fodder, rage on,

Lee's River/Zlatovyek said...

Notwithstanding the opinions of some minimalists who wouldn't know how to string together three sentences into one even if their life depended on it and sometimes, you gotta know that their life DOES hang on knowing how to keep the story going before anybody realizes that they're getting away with the cash register, and even if those idiots wouldn't know what hit them before the can of Sterno landed right smack dab on their... where was I? Oh yeah, just
Carry On, Bubba. Please.

Lee's River/Zlatovyek said...

P.S. you are officially blogrolled on the river btw.

Bubba said...

Lee-- It is precisely moments like this that make me realize that I'm speaking to my brethren/sistern-in-arms, that the cosmos engulfs and surrounds and envelops us as it sucks us into the entirety of its totality. Be still my foolish heart...

Thanks for the hook-up, too. Linkage is good, or, at least, such is my presumption based on the quality of your blog's writing, the use of 'good' being a relative term developed as my personal opinion as to the value derived, from my perspective. That same value may not apply to your blog once your readers click said link and survey my blog with the intent to assess said value, either good or bad. *sigh*

Anonymous said...

Haha, conversation is an orally ungratifying convoluted activity requiring two consenting adults who must intellectually understand the ramifications of the endeavor . . .

Why do something with another that can just as easily be done alone, am I right?

Very funny post!

Bubba said...

Gingatao-- Aw, Paul, now look what you've done... how can I continue to take your money and Guinness if you start saying nice things like that? Tell you what... if I'm more than 5-up on Eighteen (which, in all likelihood will be the case), I'll putt with my driver. heh heh heh

Peter-- Why, indeed... one of the only benefits of being an anti-social cretin is the ability to project both sides of an argument and successfully broker the result one desires. Plus, I normally have the ability to immediately resolve any disputes that may occur before I feel the need to hit myself in the head with a hammer... I hate it when that happens!

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