Friday, March 14, 2008

...Et filii, et spiri--oops!

It’s spooky in the woods, especially when you’re not wearing underwear, at least not underwear in the strictest sense of the word. I suppose that a cup is not really underwear, and honestly, it’s not all that easy to keep in place as I walk. I have to hold onto it with my hand, and this keeps me from brachiating properly, even though I switch hands fairly often, dependant on terrain. If I’m crossing a fallen tree trunk, for example… I have to look over it to see if landfall on the other side is lower on the right or left side, and then I hold onto my cup with the opposite hand. I could have worn shorts under my jeans if I had any clean ones available, and if they were the ‘jockey’ style. Boxers are technically more comfortable, but they have no containing structure for a cup. I tried scooping up a very large amount of leaves and putting them down the front of my pants, situating them such that their bulk, in theory, might form a support structure that would prohibit my cup from moving. However, gravity tends to have the same effect on leaves that it has on cups, unfortunately, so within a half-mile or so, not even the massive bulk of my boys could keep it in place without assistance from my fingers.

That’s why I envision myself looking a bit like a chimpanzee as I make my way through the underbrush and branches. Chimps don’t brachiate like humans when they walk. Their arms tend to hang rather than swing opposite the leg that’s being advanced, and since I can’t swing both arms, my stride might appear as much simian as human. It’s a little demeaning, but I don’t worry as much about it now as I might have when I first left the trail. Decorum becomes much less important when outside the range of other human eyes.


(To Be Continued... perhaps)

11 comments:

karen said...

Oh, the mind picture you painted shall follow me all the days of my life....

Thanks (I think)!

heehhehheheeee

Jo Janoski said...

A fine example of "too much information" -- and yikes, you might continue it...help!!!

paisley said...

jo feels you said to much... and i not enough... why the hell do you need structure to hold a cup in place under your shorts... have you never heard of "commando" if you have no clean undies????

Anonymous said...

Yes it is the why's that will keep it going, why are you in the jungle in the first place. is it some kind of symbolic extended metaphor? or is it just a context in which you can half surreptiously half overtly dangle them fellers. Have you ever heard of candiru?

Anonymous said...

This reminds me of Metal Gear Solid where you had to run around holding a coke can over your wang chung.

Hilarious. I would like it to be continued.

Bubba said...

Gingatao-- I assume you're speaking of the band rather than the willie fish? I can't claim great knowledge of either, but I assume you're making the connection of the cup as protection against the fish... which makes marvelous sense and totally justifies my insistence upon being becupped.

Noah-- Dude, it sounds like you know how to party... and thanks!

Scot said...

Bob
if it doesn't rain tomorrow--taking my boys to the ozark woods.

Anonymous said...

wow! never read anything like this before, ever;

Bubba said...

Karen-- You should see it from this end!

Jo-- If I continue it, I'll e-mail you and warn you.

Paisley-- I knew I could count on you, dear lady. But isn't not wearing underwear sorta the same thing as going commando? I guess I need to write a 'how-to' brochure for cups...

Scot-- Atta boy! But make sure you wear a cup... there's stuff in them woods.

Sumedh-- And with any luck at all, you probably won't come across anything like it again, either. Chalk it up to experience and keep some strong adult beverages around for when the dreams show up and the screaming starts.

Tina Trivett said...

Your cup runneth over Bob...enjoyed. :)

Bubba said...

Tina-- It does? My wife should be so impressed... HA! (Note to Louise: Put down the knife, Sweetie, it was just a little joke!)